


I Don't Want Her To Worry

by BeaSox



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Hurt Newt Scamander, Movie 1: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-20 10:36:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13715880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeaSox/pseuds/BeaSox
Summary: "You're always taking care of others, but who is going to take care of you?"Newt struggles with being the parent of a bratty teenager, as he attempts to cope with his own dark thoughts about himself and his marriage.





	I Don't Want Her To Worry

There was so much Tina could never know. One secret morphed into another, until Newt appeared to be leading a suffocating lie of a life. He was constantly hiding himself behind a paper maché mask, one that grew more frail and tired each day. The same mask was heavy and an uncomfortable weight on his shoulders; a feeling that coursed deep within his veins.

His own wife could not know of the countless times he woke up in the dead of night, staring into the darkness for what felt like forever. He hoped that the two other people living in his house would wake and find him, numb and exaughsted. They would wonder why he was so sad; why he couldn't bring himself to eat or get out of bed in the morning or to smile. Sometimes he found it hard to breathe; he imagined a nonexistent string pulling at his lungs, forcing him to breathe even when he wanted to give up.

Tina could not know about the time that he'd come home upset and almost hurt himself. He felt alone and isolated from society; from any sincere form of human contact. He lacked the touch from another person, drifting off from those he loved until his own soul was wittling away. He craved someone to accept him, to tell him that he was okay, but all he seemed to recieve was rejection from society. He was the weakest and most worthless link to everyone else; he was timid and dull, just a barrier that everyone could simply shove passed and ignore.

When a women ignored him while he held open the door for her, he felt something deep inside of him bubble dangerously to the surface. He felt at the edge of busting into flames; destroying everything in his path.

A part of him screamed for this random stranger to really see him.   
Please, please help me. I think that I may do something bad to myself if I don't get help.

But she didn't hear him. He watched her walk down the cobblestone, adjusting her dark lavendar bowler hat as her heels clicked with her every step. It occurred to him that he would never know her name, who she was or what her story was, and she would never know his name. He was nothing. His existence meant nothing.

He was in a hazy daze the rest of the afternoon, drowning in a dull numbness. He wanted to reach out to someone, anyone at all. He knew that Tina would happily listen to him at the first chance she got, and maybe help thwart away the self hatred that plagued him. But he didn't want to burden her. The thought of her worrying about him was plain ignorant and selfish; she had far more important affairs to tend to in her life. He wondered what it would be like to get her attention without actually speaking; without emptying his heart out? How could he feel better if he wouldn't allow himself to be vulnerable? He could threaten himself. Maybe she'd listen to him.

But she'd worry.

A thump caused his train of thought to slam into his rigid wall of reality and he felt the weight of responsibility drop to his shoulders. His daughter was home.

The day that Gracie had been born was the one of the best days of Newt's life. To be able to hold his own child, sitting beside Tina's bedside, was like a dream. He and Tina both had their share of insecurities about parenthood, but they worked through it together. The name was chosen by the both of them, mainly Tina's choice, and a bright light in Newt's life grew.

Gracie was a shy child and that worried Tina that her lack of social skills would lead to her having no friends in school. Newt was proud at first to raise a child that ressembled his eccentric behavior patterns and timidness, but then realized how awful things could turn out. She would be tormented by her peers and pushed over when she didn't defend herself. As she grew into herself, she became bolder and much more social to the young parents' relief.

As she transitioned into her teenage years, Gracie became disrespectful and bratty to her parents, leaving Newt hurt and confused. Tina reasured him that the mood swings would subside soon enough, "Don't you remember what it was like to be her age?"

He agreed.

That was a lie. He was more focused on his interest in his career to think about being rude to his parents. He was irritable and miserable at that age, but he kept his feelings bottled up inside. "I suppose."

Now Gracie was home, and he could tell by the manner that she entered the cramped apartment that she was already upset about something.

"Why the hell are you here?"

"Language, Grace. We've talked about this before."

"Bullshit. I can talk how I please."

Newt sighed softly. "At least pick up your book bag. Someone could trip, your mother is coming home soon."

"I don't have to listen to you."

"Why is that?"

"You're a pathetic pushover. You don't have any authority here whatsoever, so lay off. I'm going out, okay? And there's nothing you can possibly do about it."

"You can't go out, it's getting late. Please, don't be difficult today, Grace, your mother doesn't need this."

Gracie wheeled around, narrowing her eyes bitterly at her father. "She doesn't need this, or YOU don't need this? Is this just another way of you lashing out at me for you feeling self concious at the awful husband you are to mother? How tragic it must be, to never be able to fulfill all that she needs as a husband; you're awkward and boring and you never even show her affection whatsoever. I refuse to answer to you as my father."

"I have never lashed out at you."

"You do by being a horrible father. That is my punishment for being born to the worst parents ever, I guess."

He felt his soul float away from his body, leaving a hollow shell of himself behind as Gracie stomped into her bedroom. He didn't know what to do. He should yell at her, discipline her with a long list of rules that she must follow as she was living under his roof.

But he couldn't. He didn't want her to hate him. He was hurt by his own daughter insulting him, but it was his fault. He should be more forceful, then her walking all over him wouldn't be a problem. She listened to Tina. Everyone listened to Tina.

He sat at the dining room table, burying his face in his hands. He couldn't take much more of this. He hated this. He reluctantly removed his hands as he heard the front door unlock, and Tina stepped in.

"Hey," she approached him upon placing her keys on the hook beside the door. "How was your day? You look tired." She reached up and smoothened down his dishevelled hair, gazing at him affectionately.

"I'm okay, really. How was work?" He kissed her cheek and she touched his arm. Her touch made him feel special. He felt safe.

"Fine. Gracie's home, right?"

"Yes."

Tina bit her lip, her eyes searching her husband's face busily. "She caused you trouble, didn't she? Oh, I'll go ground her. Again. I swear, she never seems to learn." She began to walk away, and Newt saw his opportunity to finally put and end to his pain and suffering disappear from his grasp.

"Tina..." He wanted to say something. Anything. _Why am I still here._

"...nevermind."

"No, Newt, talk."

"It's nothing."

Tina raised an eyebrow, and he saw concern grow on her face and quickly tried to avert the attention away from him. "I just love you, that's all. A lot."

"Aw, I love you too. I missed you today, honey."

She had missed him. She loved him. She cared. Maybe she wasn't tired of with him after all.

But he couldn't speak up. He didn't see the hurt in drowning another day.  
\

Gracie had her first boy-girl party with a group of No-Majs she had befriended while hanging around Jacob's bakery that Monday. Tina helped her find the perfect---and perfectly expensive---dress for the fitting occasion.

She was especially bossy and entitled in their household, as she fussed over her hair and the right shoes. Newt and Tina had come to an agreement that a curfew of ten o'clock was a good time, since being with a small group of friends in the big city at night was dangerous. Gracie was not impressed, and tried to push a 11:30 curfew, the rest of her friends getting to stay out as late as they want. She turned to her father for backup, assuming that his submission to stronger authority would work in her favor.

"C'mon it's only an hour and a half more time. What's gonna happen in such a short amount of time?"

"A lot can happen, Grace. The city is a dangerous place, the rules are the rules," Newt reasoned.

"That's bull, you guys are so unfair! Maria and Sue don't have overprotective parents like you guys. Unbelievable. I never get to do anything."

"Watch your tone, young lady. We can tell you to contact your friends and cancel right now," Tina snapped, and Newt felt a pulsing headache coming on. He didn't want Gracie to get in trouble and miss out on her plans. Then he couldn't talk to Tina about his thoughts and urges that he'd been getting. He wanted to sit down and pour out his tainted soul to Tina, and tell her why he was so distant.

"Whatever."

"Go to you room. You aren't going anywhere tonight, or this month. Apologize to you father, too. You've been nothing but trouble for him while you've been home from school. He shouldn't have to put up with your attitude and drama every single day," Tina folded her arms, the universal sign that she'd better comply with what she was demanding, before all hell broke loose.

Gracie matched her mother's stance, her arms crossing.  
"Why should I? I hate him. I couldn't care less if he drove off a bridge! He ruins everything for me!" She burst into tears, dashing into her room and slamming the door shut.

Tina sighed inwardly, sliding off her reading glasses and tossing them onto the dining table. She rubbed her eyes, clearly tired from a long week's of work. "Are you okay?" She noticed that Newt hadn't moved an inch, or said anything since Gracie had stormed out of the room and saw him frozen in place.

"I'm fine."

"She didn't mean it."

"I'm so tired of hearing that, Tina. I'm so tired of it."

"I know...but thing's will get better. She's only a teenager, honey. She's gonna be a brat for now, but I'm sure everything will be okay----"

"No, it won't. Nothing will ever be okay. You guys are pratically made for eachother, and share a mother- daughter bond that I don't have with Gracie. I don't mean anything to this family. Nobody even cares about me....or l-loves me..."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous. Of course I love you, I married you. She loves you, too, you're her father," Tina seemed shocked by the fact that he'd bring it up, as if she hadn't noticed tha favoritism that Gracie had for her mother and the bond that they shared.

"I can't do this, Tina."  _I can't live anymore._

"What are you talking about, Newt?  Divorce?"

"N-No, I just...I have so much on my plate right now."

"You don't have to push your negative energy and problems with yourself onto us. It's not our fault that you think that you're not good enough for me. You used to always say that I didn't really love you, and that nobody could ever love you, and it got tiresome. I love you, Newt! Get over yourself, you have a family here whether you love us back or not. If you're constantly being insecure over every little thing like this, maybe you aren't good enough for me. For us."

"Tina..."  
His insecurities and fears that he had left with her the one time that he had allowed himself to show weakness came back to haunt him. She knew exactly how to get at him where it hurt, just like Gracie. They knew him. They could read him like a book.

"Oh, grow up. We have a daughter now. Were not the kids here, alright? Gracie is our responsibility, and we must overcome whatever hurdles are sent our way. No matter how difficult it is. Suck it up, Newt."

"Maybe I should drive off a bridge like Gracie said."

"Stop being overdramatic, Newt," Tina forced herself to roll her eyes despite the panic growing in the pit of her stomach. The way he said it seemed like he might actually do something if he got the chance.

"I'm serious. I'm going to hurt myself, Tina. I can't take all of this, the marriage, the parenthood, everything is just too much. I want to finally feel something, I've felt so numb for so long now. I have been planning my own end for months, and no one has even noticed!"

"Newt...stop this. Don't talk like that. I don't want to hear about your death. You won't do anything to yourself."

"Don't underestimate me, Tina."

"Newt---"

He brought his arm down onto a lit candle, heated wax dripping into a sticky heap at the candle's base onto the table. The flame bit at his flesh, burning as he flinched at the great deal of pain.

"Newt, stop!" Tina blew out the candle, moving it out of his reach. Her brow was furrowed in concern, but Newt felt even less guilt this time as she frantically examined his arm. "Thank goodness it's not too bad." The burn was red and angry, the skin around it seeming to be glowing pale compared to the eyesore of a red.

She dragged him into the bathroom, instructing him to sit on the rim of the bathtub while she used her wand to hurriedly send items fron the medicine cabinent to her. She submerged his arm in cold water from the sink before wrapping it up tightly. "Newt, look at me."

He couldn't. He was too ashamed. He knew that he was bound to snap after so many years of pent up emotion and the disaster that parenthood had become, but he'd assumed that he'd at least be dead afterwards. Now he wasn't even at peace. He still had to put up with Gracie walking all over him, and the isolation from Tina that he inflicted on himself. He still had to get up every morning. He still had to breathe.

"You're okay, Newt. I didn't mean the awful things that I said...I shouldn't have said them. I'm sorry," tears glistened in her eyes, and Newt looked down.

"It's fine. Everything is alright, I promise."

"Don't lie to me, Newt. We've been through so much together." A lone tear had escaped now, and was sliding slowly down her cheek.

"I can't remember the last time that I felt connected to you."

"What do you mean?" She slid her hand over his, giving him a supportive squeeze to will him on.

"You have Gracie, Queenie, and your job that you love. I just think sometimes that...maybe I could just disappear forever and you wouldn't even notice."

"That's not true, honey. At all. I would miss you so much if you were to leave me, Newt. I love my job and family, but that also includes you. I love you more than I can express...you're kind, smart, handsome, and an amazing father. I would never take that for granted. You mean so much to me, Newt."

He still didn't meet her eyes and she tucked a dark strand of hair behind her ear. "We can't ignore that this happened, though. You hurt yourself tonight, and that scares me. Maybe we should go to the doctor in the morning and maybe you can talk to someone----"

"I'm okay."

"You threatened your own life without hesitation, and I have to take every threat seriously. I can't lose you.  _We_  can't lose you. Gracie and I love you with all of our hearts. If not for us, please do this for yourself. You deserve to live without suffering silently."

"I've thought about suicide for years now, a hospital visit won't change the fact that I deserve to be punished," he responded with a trembling voice, his arm aching.

"You have to try, Newt. Don't give up on us, please. You don't deserve this," Tina pleaded, and he finally gave in with a half nod.  
~

Tina lay in bed beside Newt, and rolled over to face him. He was sound asleep, his chest rising and falling. He seemed peaceful and free in his slumber, and she wondered if his destiny was to die. What if that was the only way that he was going to be happy? No, there had to be another way.

She checked his other arms for other harm, and relaxed at the fact that he hadn't acted on his dark thoughts. She was afraid to sleep in fear that Newt would wake in the middle of the night and find his way to the roof or to the medicine cabinent and she'd find him gone by morning. She had to stay awake. She had to save the man she   
loved the most.  
~  
Tina wanted to take an affordable amount of days off of work to be shoulder to cry on for Newt, but he'd declined. She had never actually seen a man cry, but she assumed that they were just as capable as women. Her father was always a headstrong manly man; and refused to show any form of weakness or emotion. She wanted Newt to talk and cry into her after what he did the night before.

Newt wandered into the kitchen, half dazed. He had woken up and debated not ending it all sooner, the fact that he could already hear Tina and Gracie bickering from the kitchen made hin wish that he could sleep forever.

"How are you feeling?" Tina whispered, turning her attention to Newt as he poured a mug of freshly brewed coffee.  
"I'm okay."

He caught Gracie's eye, who looked away quickly in a way that made it obvious that she was eavesdropping on their conversation. He swallowed hard, and averted his eyes.

"Are you sure you'll be okay to stay here today? I can take off work," Tina whispered.

"I'll be okay."

"Are you sure? Call me if you need anything."

"Can you guys stop whispering over there? Am I grounded?" Gracie called from her perch at the dining table.

"Grace, the adults are talking here, don't interrupt us," Tina eyed Newt, then leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. "I have to go. Love you."

Newt descended into his case once Tina was gone, and emerged to force himself to eat. He realized that things were quiet, too quiet. He found that Gracie was gone; he searched her bedroom and even called her name with no avail. Gracie had run away once when she was thirteen, but she had only gone to her best friend at the time's apartment and returned home after an hour. He had no idea where she could have gone now, and knew that Tina would be furious if he didn't alert her of their daughter's new act of rebellion.

Newt knocked cautiously on Tina's MACUSA office door, and she smiled at him in greeting. "Hey, is everything okay?"

"No...Gracie left and I don't know where she's gone."

"Did she pack a bag?"

"I...don't know. I'm sorry, Tina---"

"It's not your fault," Tina huffed, grabbed his arm to apparate the both of them out of the building and he winced. "I'm sorry!" The burn on his arm was still wrapped up, and throbbed at her forceful touch.

"It's okay."  
"Msybe you should stay home, get some rest..."  
"I'm fine. Where do you think she is?"

"With my sister."

Newt cursed himself for not thinking that Gracie was with her aunt, it was a logical theory. She had taken a liking to her aunt's beauty and fashion sense early on, and loved visiting her place.

Tina pulled out her spare key, unlocking the apartment and calling her daughter's name. "Gracie!"

"Teen, what are you doing here?" Queenie asked, her glossy lips pressed together in a firm line.

"Is Grace here? She ran away again."

"She is. She said you hit her."

"I did not! She's always saying things like that to get people to feel sorry for her."

Queenie shrugged. "I'm sorry, honey. I didn't know what to do."

"She can't think that she can just leave whenever she wants with no consequences."

"She's a teenage, Teen. Cut her some slack."

We can't baby her all of the time, she's said some awful things to Newt. Last night he---"

"Stop, Tina. It's fine, let's just bring her home," Newt whispered.

"Ugh, can you guys go already? I'm trying to get some decent sleep, all you did was quarrel last night," Gracie snapped from the doorway leading to the guest bedroom.

"You have a lot of nerve, young lady. Come on, were going home. You're grounded until school starts up again, no exceptions," Tina hissed cooly.

"No."

"Don't speak to your mother like that, she had to leave work due to your childish antics," Newt spoke up, and Tina wondered when they became parents. They had gotten met and gotten married young, and starting a family seemed like a task for the much older and experienced. Now here they were, seeming to have aged a century in fourteen years of marriage.

"I'm not listening to you. You're not my father."

"Your father is trying hard to provide for this family, and you're making things worse for him. You can't insult him everytime you're angry, that's not how it works. He is just as much your parent as I am! Leave. Him. Alone," Tina glared evenly at her daughter as Newt felt the last string inside of him break.

"I'll kill myself," Newt's body shook slightly. "If that would make you happy."

He didn't expect Gracie's face to soften, he didn't know what he was expecting. The glare that she held with Tina melted away.   
"Don't say that, don't ever say that." She was suddenly aware of how rude she had been behaving as of late, and flushed a rosy pink. "I'll be at home." She pulled out her wand, and dissolved into a flutter of magic.

Newt immediately hugged Tina, wrapping his arms around her neck. It was the first time that he had hugged her in such a needy and vulnerable manner, and she returned the gesture. "You need help, Newt."

~  
Gracie pulled herself onto the kitchen counter beside her father, and peered at him curiously. "Good morning."

"Good morning."

"Please don't hate me."

"I would never hate you, I love you. I will never stop loving you."

"You should hate me, I said a lot of horrid things to you. I'm sorry, I truly am. I'm just moody lately, I don't know. I shouldn't have taken anything out on you," Gracie ran her fingers through her auburn hair, sighing.

"You're still a child. You deserve to go through phases and be moody. It's just a part of growing up," Newt reassured her, sipping from his steaming mug. "You have to shape up sometime, though."

"I know. Are you going to be home today?"

"No...I have something to attend to."

"Is it because you tried to hurt yourself?"

Newt paused mid-sip and ran through the different options that he had, his heart racing.

"Relax, mother didn't tell me. I put everything together when I saw the bandages on your arms."

"I'm fine."

"You have to take care of yourself."

"Okay."

"I mean it."

"Grace, my problems with myself don't have anything to do with you."

"Yes, but I'm only making it worse...do you want to know why I always pick on you? Because I feel connected to you in a different way than mother. I grew up letting people push me over like you, but I learned that I have to toughen up for this world. I remember one time when I was twelve you stayed down in your case all afternoon and mother was telling Aunt Queenie that your were sad because you felt that nobody saw you for who you were. I didn't want you to be sad, so I tried to be something that I wasn't and force you to become harder. You don't deserve to feel isolated and alone, but you don't have to hate yourself so much. I just want you to be happy. Don't let people walk all over you like you let me."

"You shouldn't have to worry about me, I'm the parent here."

"You're always taking care of others, but who is going to take care of you?" She lay her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes. "You don't deserve to be punished."

Newt opened his mouth to respond, but Tina entered the kitchen. She leaned against the counter on his other side, intertwining her arm with his. He was surrounded by people who loved him, his family, who could always see him for who he really was.

Suddenly nothing else seemed to matter.


End file.
